Decades
Today marks a pretty significant anniversary for me. As such, I woke up this morning feeling many things: anticipation, reflection, thankfulness, and perhaps a twinge of sadness.
Over the past ten years, my life has changed in ways I never thought possible. I’ve lived in some great places: Northampton, Oldham, Wandsworth and now this lovely city. I’ve met some beautiful, wonderful people, and I have been blessed in so many ways.
In some ways, these ten years have gone so fast. When I spend time with my younger friends, sometimes I find it hard to get my head round it that I really am 28, that there has been a whole decade since I queued to receive my A Level results, texting them round on an ageing Nokia with a black and white screen.
But I don’t regret the passing of time. Over the past year I’ve noticed a real settling down, a real calming of some of the worries that plagued me in my early twenties, a sense of being happy with who I am and with where life has brought me.
I ‘journalled’ fervently when I was younger, and have a pretty much complete record of the years between 1999 and 2009. When I look back at those older entries, I realise quite how much I thought I had to make God and everyone else like me. I felt a bit like a fraud, like I was play-acting in my own life.
My faith has changed in these past ten years, too. No longer do I view God as a judge who is always marking me out of ten, always waiting till I fall. I’ve learned that he is expansive, generous, quirky and above all, loving. I don’t have him worked out, not at all, and I shirk attempts to try and answer the mysterious questions, instead revelling in the unknowing.
I also note quite how much my life has been hijacked (in a good way), by a little prayer movement that was still in its infancy back in 2001. I remember clearly standing in my school library reading a double page spread about ’24-7 Prayer’, and being intrigued and excited. Ten years later, as I spend time with my friends in this passionate, crazy, unpredictable and wonderful movement, I am inspired by the stories of other people who encountered it in similar ways. As I phone prayer rooms around and about the place and hear stories of what God is doing, I am still amazed, and so excited about what the next ten years will bring for us.
Ten years ago, the world was about to change in the wake of a terrorist atrocity with global impact. I didn’t know that, until a couple of days later, as I stood behind the photographic counter in Boots and heard the news. That evening, I sat in a pub and watched pictures on a big screen, and I still remember the sense of being entirely overwhelmed. My life situation was nothing compared to the trauma of those caught in that situation, and I do not seek to make a comparison between the two, but it felt like, on Sept 9th, my life had changed dramatically. I didn’t know where to go next, and I was pretty sure things couldn’t go back to the way they were. What felt like a decision made in the spur of the moment then, changed the course of the following ten years. I felt like nothing was certain, and now the world seemed to be going mad too. On Thursday, I will stand and think of those who lost their lives in America ten years ago. I will also mark the life I said goodbye to then.
I like to think about the dates and times of things, and I do think that this ‘ten years’ date is significant for me. I feel like this year marks a shift from this previous decade – which has been about breaking out of that which held me, finding freedom and healing, making decisions about my life and my future. The past ten years have felt like establishing ones, clearing the ground and laying the foundations for something; I feel like, in the next ten, I will truly be able to enjoy.
Today, my day has been a mish mash of so many of the wonderful things in my life today. I woke up at my night job, and spent time chatting to someone there before leaving. I then enjoyed breakfast in my beautiful Huge Small Flat of Glory (toast and trains…what could be better). I then worked my day job, before having coffee with my favourite Shepherd Wizard J I then saw my lovely boyfriend, who always brings joy to my world.
