Updates September 30, 2009

So much to say but with no logical order in which to frame it, hmm… I think I felt more confident blogging when I was telling exciting tales about my forays into the world of prayer, but is writing about freshers flu, myriad coffee meets, and the delights of library tours as worthy? I think so…

I love being a student. One of our first assignments is to create a self portrait website. We’ve been given a ‘blank page’ when it comes to layout, design, content – it can feature whatever we like (and as ever my imagination is far outrunning my technical expertise). How exactly do you get handwritten words to curl up off a journal page and project themselves onto blank walls? How do you make pages flick over as if caught by the wind? How do I make a bookcase slide forward on a click, revealing an Anne Frank-style secret room behind? These are the questions permeating my mind while I sip double shot lattes and wait for buses (which never run on time in the countryside, let me tell you!!).

My fellow students are an intriguing bunch. I love the variety and the colour and the spice they bring into my life. Gone is ’safe-christian world’ where most people I know have the same thoughts and beliefs and even goals as me. Welcome to the eclectic melee of different backgrounds, ideologies, life-experiences that is the educational establishment: The ‘athiestic corner’ that detest studying medieval morality plays – (“I don’t get why they’re all ’bout Jesus ‘n stuff”, winning quote of the week prize I think); the scraggled early-morning bunch gathered for morning office in the uni chapel (they all knew when to stand up and sit down though, and they definitely knew what a canticle was, unlike my good self…); the varying degrees of hangover observable during the progression of freshers week, overhearing conversations that intrigue, horrify cause ones mind to boggle… it all gives me much to muse over.

I’m also loving delving into new relationships, new forms of community. Wandsworth was great for that – like a jumper that fits you just right, and there may be holes in the elbows now but that kinda just adds to the charm. So coming here was a bit of a worry on that score. What if I just didn’t find that? What if here was some sort of relational black-hole? What if I just didn’t fit in? (and a thousand other thoughts and little insecurities that many freshers before me have thought I’m sure). And I have been homesick. I knew it was bad today when I found myself thinking about and missing the little raised up bit of pavement by the HSBC cashpoint in Wandsworth that I always used, and always made the effort to walk on even when I wasn’t using the cashpoint (not obsessive much….). Anyway…

I’ve been relieved to find out that my fears haven’t been realised. Here is different, but not bad different, it’s refreshing. In fact it’s been a bit of a social whirlwind… I’ve been to new cell groups (which I’ve loved, felt energised by, been prayed for at, felt at home in, ate yummy calzone in, and generally been able to be myself at…Woop!), I’ve sung in Handel’s Messiah (yes, really… it felt good to dust off those good ole top soprano notes that haven’t had much use for a while), I’ve been to a church prayer meeting, (and then joined them for coffee and a tea-cake afterwards in the most endearing little coffee-shop), I’ve sat in Macdonalds with some of my fellow-freshers (and tried not to feel out of place, being over 20 and not exactly revering the aforementioned fast-food option), oh – and I helped to set the cakes and biscuits out on a plate at church on Sunday evening (you know you fit in somewhere when you know where they keep cling film).

I think I like the second week in a new place better than the first. Last week I was sorely tempted to buy a T-Shirt with “I am Vicki, I am a student at…, I am studying…, I used to live in London” etc on. At times it felt daunting to have to introduce myself all the time, and even just the intensity of finding the rooms where our lectures were, understanding the groups and abbreviations, remembering student IDs and IT passwords and the like. There were times when I wanted to stay in and just not have to face another round of introductions. But this week I feel more resolute. This morning I dared to venture to the chapel, this morning I remembered the names of some of my classmates, this morning I didn’t have to extricate my much-folded campus map from its cosy home in my rucksack – it’s all becoming a little more intuitive. It feels a bit like there is the space to enjoy some of this now, to remember how much I love this place, to get excited about what God is doing here, to actually think about what I can contribute and what I want to build into my rhythm of life in this season. To pick a picture analogy, I guess it feels like the cement in the foundations has solidified enough to support me putting some metal beams in place – to begin building a framework of life and community and celebration and stillness and discipline and accountability and freedom and grace that will hopefully typify and give structure and stability to these next few years.

Thursdays are my busiest day lecture-wise, and then I have a weekend of showing much-beloved friends around my new locality to look forward to. I can’t wait to see them – to drink coffee with them, to show them my soon-to-be-familiar-but-as-yet-still-new haunts, to blow raspberries on their tummies and bounce them on my knee, to talk about pterodactyls and diggers and to wander round shops comparing fabric remnants (they represent a selection of ages, you understand). I love it that the life and loves I enjoyed in Wandsworth and over the past five years do not end because I am here, but I get to experience new depths to them, as the distance makes me appreciate them even more.

Will hopefully post some photos post-weekend. Hurrah for exciting new chapters eh!

Everything they tell you about Freshers week is true September 23, 2009

Uni started on Monday, with a bunch of us, awkward with nervousness, waiting outside a classroom. Inside they blinded us with technical terms and room numbers, but we each made a friend or two I think.

Today was the first real lecture. We had to practise logging into macs, (and very spangly they were too) and then identify our favourite colours, music, food, and place, as well as significant events in our lives and memories etc. The point of this was to create a sort-of self portrait… apparently these things define us. Apparently by subscribing to social networking sites we are just adopting the “denim-boiler-suit mold of uniformity”, and in the process eliminating segments of our identities (there’s a phrase to throw into the next pro vs anti-facebook debate I find myself embroigled in).

So our first assignment is to create a digital, on-line self portrait in the form of a website. My mind was working overtime with thoughts and creative ways of presenting it and quite how definite I felt about my self-portrait not including what favour crisps I enjoy… I can’t wait to get started.

My lecturer also raised an interesting point by suggesting ‘the devil’ when my polish classmate was having trouble thinking up his favourite fictional character. I was a little incensed – why would anyone pick that as their favourite? And… fictional?!?! I think not!

Anyway… after our lecture was done we were exposed full-tilt to the extremities of freshers fair. I kinda had this mental image of a sedate line of tables, with people sat on chairs with polite clipboards offering entry to the lacrosse society etc. What I found myself immersed in was a full-scale sensory assault – loud pumping music, people on all sides touting their wares (“Free Pizza”, “S Club 7 Reunion night tickets” “Insure your computers” “Excuse me have you thought about joining amnesty?”), enough paper and leaflets being shoved into ones hands to forest a small area of South America, and a lot of meandering, overwhelmed freshers herded into a very small space.

I managed to dodge the very enthusiastic karate club members, secure a yummy bit of pizza, collect a lot of free pens and several free T-shirts, and get out with my life and sanity still intact – result!!

The choice and selection of clubs and societies really were overwhelming, and everyone had that perma-smiley, slightly artificial “yes come and join our club because it really is the best of them all and it will change your life” type sales pitch. I also felt sorry for the people who’ll be data-entrying all the hundreds of email addresses they collected…

I feel like a proper fresher though now, having navigated my way through the excitement and intrigue of that. (although my classmate was bemused today by my avoidance of the pirate pub crawl night, and the school disco party on Friday).

So all is well on the whole. And heres to exciting times ahead!!

Leaving Shenanigans! September 17, 2009

I left Wandsworth today. There’s a weird sentence to type. I think my heads in too much of a fuzz to comment much, except to say that I am thankful for all that has been, and excited – so excited about all that is to come.

In the mean time, some photees from my last weeks at Wandsworth:

 Ruth made me an amazing starbucks cake (the medium sized cup was entirely edible!)

Caz made me a beautiful chocolate and raspberry cake:

There was a lovely party, with speeches:

Mandy came too, which was lovely (and then she helped me drive stuff many miles)… woop for her!

More soon… must unpack!

Love, Live, Learn, Lose September 10, 2009

For the past three years I’ve been working for the Salvation Army based at our wondrous Uk & Ireland headquarters in London.

Today is my last day, which is weird. I don’t think I expected to have such a melee of feelings, for the bittersweet-ness to be quite this intense! This lunchtime I shared a meal with a small group of my colleagues, and I have to admit to pulling back from the conversation a few times just to muse about that little group of people, about the joys and challenges of journeying together, and about all the things I have seen over the past 36-ish months.

A lot of people think that THQ is quirky, and it is true that it has its own unique character and personality. When you have sat, desk quivering through the sprinkler-test, or ridden out the boil-freeze-boil-freeze heating system, I think you come out the other end with a real fondness for the place and for the people, and for a greater desire than ever to see this denomination fulfil what is was raised up to do – to save souls, to grow saints and to serve suffering humanity. Actually, I don’t think that’s a reflection on the sprinkler system, I think it’s the spirit of God that hovers in the place, sometimes unnoticed but always having an impact.

I’ve come to the conclusion that every member of the Salvation Army should work or volunteer at THQ for at least a month of their lives. It gives you such a fuller picture of how the SA fits together – like seeing the cogs that turn the machine wheels, and I’ve found it inspirational. I’ve tried to add some colour to the place – with my bright socks and glittery reindeer adorning my desk, but more than appearance it’s about attitude… working here has given me a refreshed vision for the Salvation Army, re-invigorating my hope for a church raised up to live out an Isaiah 61 sort-of Christianity: setting the captives free and proclaiming good news for the poor and the downtrodden and the oppressed.

I’ve already mentioned the year of discipleship, and ALOVE uk chose the four words above to explore this theme further. I like to think they sum up my experience of working for the Salvation Army, and specifically working to champion the cause of prayer within it. I was and will remain passionate that we are called to pray and to wrestle and to ‘believe the future into being’ with our prayers.

These years have been about Loving – the most fervent prayer, in my opinion, springs out of a love relationship with God and with a passionate belief that we are his beloved. I long for more people to grasp what this means, and for the church as a whole to live out of that place – understanding our position as friends and lovers, as opposed to servants and employees of our creator. Love gives and spends itself on behalf of others, love inspires the desperate prayer for a lost family member or a broken colleague or peace in our world. Oh that we, that I, would learn to love more perfectly.

They have been about Living – understanding prayer as something that weaves through our day to day lives with beauty and simplicity, living out a journey of ups and downs and sudden-corners that shake and unnerve us but that we can make it through as a community of believers with a unified mission. It has been believing that the ‘life in fullness’ promise of God extends to my life in the office, behind a desk, wrestling with a photocopier – the mundane and everyday things we all do.

There has been Learning, many many lessons that I have grappled with and often only petulantly accepted. I’ve learned about myself, my skills and talents as well as my weaknesses and struggles. I have learnt to work in a team and to be more ready to ask for help and to be less frightened of failing. I have learnt that no-one has it all together and we are all walking and changing and being healed. I have learnt that prayer helps me learn – I hear Gods voice and he teaches me at a pace which is perfect and which never pulls me down or makes me feel small.

And then, there’s Losing. (We’ll leave this one to last because it’s hard to come up with a natty paragraph about stuff which still stirs my heart, still hurts to think about). I remember when I started this job, some keen prophetic type told me that, as my influence rose, at the same time there would be a going down, a stripping away, a brokenness that would increase simultaneously. I wasn’t so sure what all that meant at the time. The thought of my having any influence at all freaked me out, and brokenness just didn’t seem to fit into my nice, neat plans for things. Why would God bring me down at the same time as raising me up? From my three years older and maybe a little wiser place, I think I understand it a little more. I’ve felt the sting of unanswered prayer and I’ve seen the frustrations of unmet expectations around me. I’ve lost people who I loved desperately at seemingly the most untimely moments, when so much seems unfinished. There have been many, many times when my prayers have been ‘God… this makes no sense… what are you playing at?’

Through all these experiences, there have been some truths that I hold on to, that have been I think indelibly written on my heart through these past years of triumph and struggle, of joy and of sorrow. These include: Prayer works, Jesus always does something even if it looks like the opposite is true. None of us are too far away from God, or our lives too ‘messed up’ for him to heal and change and use for his glory. I’ve learnt that he really does choose the weak and foolish things to shame the wise, and that he really does use all things for good for those that love him.

This truly has been a beautiful chapter of my life, and one I will thank God for, ponder on, and learn from as long as I live.

Pure Light September 9, 2009

Creative light,
Speaking all into nothing,
Pillar of fire guiding,
So the journey could continue through the night.

Bright star,
Capturing attention,
Inspiring ancient hopes.
Bursting forth from silent skies.

Dramatic shining,
Searing purity,
Blinding in an instant,
Revelation piercing the hardest of hearts.

You, the Light for those who had lost their way,
Who’d mislaid hope in history,
Forgotten your promise in the bleakness of their present.

You, weaving light into lives darkened with despair,
Despised by the masses, rejected by those closest:
Warmth touching the untouchables and thawing frozen hearts.

Your light: darkness could not hide it,
Shrouded yet undimmed,
Unquenchable, untamed.
‘The light shines in the darkness,
But the darkness has not understood it.’

Pure light: Glowing unashamed,
Through all our fluorescent falsity,
Outshining every neon façade
With unblinking honesty,
Righteously radiant.

Brave light: shining in the darkest places,
Unfaltering in the blackest night,
Brilliance that doesn’t fear the gloom,
But enters in and rescues us.

Leaving Party September 8, 2009

On Friday night I celebrated my imminent Wandsworthian departure with a band of loyal and noble compatriats. Lovely people from all walks of my life came along – from work, from Wandsworth, from the town I grew up… it was so great to see everyone and to share with everyone and just to celebrate an incredible five years.

Top moments had to be Laurence winning pass the parcel, gaining colour-changing kids bubble bath and a Hannah Montana flashing key ring, Boyzone and Steps singing out party anthems, and the cake to top all cakes (in fact there were multiple marvellous cakes). Ruth’s was a tribute to my slight obsession with all things Starbucks – it was iced green and white and had a large paper cup filled with penny sweets, a smaller china espresso cup which again had sweets in, and then, most awesome of all, another cup made wholly out of icing, complete with buttercream latte and icing steam rising from the cup. It was incredible and I was speechless.

We had a ‘Vicki-quiz’, where the contestents battled their way through ten multiple choice questions, there were party rings and jelly dinosaurs, and then some short speeches. I was wearing a black dress with teal spots on – it was lovely and I loved being all dolled up.

The best bit for me was the chance to see people I love and care about and who have all been such an important part of my life over the past five years, and longer in some cases. I was touched that they would drive miles to help me celebrate and to spend time hanging out in Wandsworth. I was blessed by cards and presents and little encouragements that I will keep with me for a long time.

This week is my last at work, and then Sunday is my last at church… and then? All change

Moments when you know the car is too full: September 7, 2009

When the dog sitting in the front of the car inadvertently turns the hazard lights on with his head, and you have to give directions through a lampshade, that is the moment when you find yourself wondering if the journey you are making is actually legal…

Prayer on the Road September 2, 2009

This summer, the 24-7/SA Prayer team had the privilege of collaborating with ALOVE UK, and the International Development department at THQ, to take part in the first all-summer-school road trip.

We packed our suitcases, we saw more of the UK and Ireland’s motorway system than I ever thought possible, and we had the amazing opportunity to interact with every young person who attended one of the Salvation Army’s 14 divisional summer schools.

Now that Road Trip is over, and we are back in the office, back behind our desks, I have been musing that these past few weeks. I realise that they have probably taught me more about prayer than any of the books I have read or talks I have heard recently. I wanted to share some of those lessons with you in this article. You might not be surviving on service-station coffees or living out of a suitcase, but sometimes all of our lives feel like this: like we are on the move, like we don’t know where fit, like we’re not sure what life will throw at us next. Prayer gets me through these unsettled times.

One of the things I quickly found out about the fast-paced Road Trip lifestyle, was that there was not much sleep to be had! In all the late nights and early mornings I deduced that getting up extra early for an hour of concentrated intercession would seriously impede my ability to deliver seminars later in the day. My prayer life became flexible – I talked to God over the rabble of my travelling companions musical taste, I whispered prayers before seeking to enthuse teenagers about the things of prayer, and I think we all prayed when, in the evening ‘gig’, we had to don comedy sailors hats and step into the ‘disciple-ship’ – an inflatable dinghy where we were each interviewed about our discipleship journeys.

All of us have to pray on the move like this, when the responsibilities of work and family life crowd in. Sometimes we can find ourselves feeling guilty, because we simply do not have the time available for long devotional times. Sometimes we feel like we ‘aren’t good enough’, because we compare ourselves to others and become convinced that we don’t measure up. The truth is, God isn’t measuring our prayers on some sort of league table; he doesn’t rate us on our eloquence, or give us extra blessings because we manage to squeeze in an extra chapter of Ecclesiastes in our evening devotions. We don’t need to feel guilty, because it is perfectly acceptable, and I would argue invigorating, to mutter a prayer under our breath as we wander around the supermarket, to pray for the other parents in the playground by simply running through their names in our heads. One of the main messages we were trying to get across with Road Trip was that our personal discipleship journeys – our engagement with worship, prayer and social justice – are not extra pressures that we need to squeeze into an already packed schedule, but that discipleship is ‘whole life’ – something that should pervade and shape the lives we already lead.

The other important lesson I was reminded of through Road Trip, is that the power of God and the effectiveness of our prayers is not increased or restricted by how we are feeling at any given moment. I loved teaching young people about prayer, (especially the bit where we wrote sentence prayers on paper aeroplanes and all threw them at each other), but as any of you who’ve worked with youth will know, their engagement and enthusiasm varied immensely. It depending on the time of day, on how many hours sleep they’d had the night before, and on how many wasps were circling overhead. Sometimes I felt like they were hanging on my every word, sometimes I doubted they were even awake! I loved the material we were teaching, but after the fifteenth time I really had to rely on the Holy Spirit to inspire my delivery of it. I found myself musing that most of us shift in terms of our eagerness and belief in the power of prayer, depending on any number of factors. Some of us struggle to engage with prayer because we have experienced the pain of unanswered prayer, when we have prayed and prayed only to see the opposite happen. It is hard to trust in a faithful God after an experience like that.

I was reminded that God is the same, and his promises remain true, whether I am feeling encouraged or exhausted, inspired or irritated. Isaiah 40:31 says: ‘Those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.’ That is a promise I hold onto through the shifting seasons and emotions of life. We all need his hope and his strength to keep us going in the times when it feels like we are going nowhere, and to encourage us to move on from places of comfort and safety when things have been going well.

Road Trip is over now, our flip-flops and suitcases have been packed away until next year, and we face the prospect of a new school year and new seasons approaching. My prayer is that we will each find prayer infiltrating our day-to-day lives, and that we will learn to more fully rely on God’s presence and promises to sustain us.