God is in this May 21, 2008

God is in this. He is greater than the darkness, He is bigger than all that would tempt me to give up, and He is fundamentally good.

My God sees the bare facts and yet does not reject me. He sees my struggle and uncertainty and waits patiently. He speaks tenderly to me in the midst of grief and pain.

I trip and land face down in the dust, tired tears mix with the sand and the cruel sun taunts my aching back. Every aching muscle complains – surely slavery was preferable to this uphill walk to freedom?

Momentarily I consider rolling over, using the last of my strength to roll into one of the deep ditches along the side of the road, to sink into their anonymous, stagnant shadow. The whispers I have fought to silence begin to babble afresh:

“This is too much for you. He has abandoned you. You’ll never make it. Give up now.”

Despair waits to claim me, with alluring promises of numb oblivion. I got this far, surely that was achievement enough? Surely it’s permissible now to rescind the vows I made that I would fight my way out of this captivity? Self Pity mocks: “Haven’t you fought enough?”

I close my eyes, still face down on the dusty ground. I fight to hear the tender voice that has led me so far. I feel like there is nothing of me left, but He hasn’t left the scene, He hasn’t changed, and as I reach the end of my own strength, I believe that His is still abundant.

Forcing myself to focus on His words, the harsh tones of accusation and condemnation begin to diminish, drowned out by softly spoken words of acceptance and love. I have no energy but His words are like an elixir of life:

“Freedom is possible. You have been redeemed. The path is difficult, but the treasure is great.”

I lift my head then, to see Him standing at my side, spotless in white. He reaches down a hand to me and helps me to my feet. I am unsteady, but He is immovably strong, supporting me as I get my balance.

I lift my head and look forwards, the road twists and I cannot see where it leads, but I know I do not walk alone. I may trip and fall again but these falls do not mark the end of the journey. Every trip is a chance to learn something new about the unfailing love of the God who stoops down and helps me up again. He reminds me that His love is the same when I walk fast and when I stumble and fall, His forgiveness is complete whether I am resting in confidence or assailed by temptation and doubt. ‘He is sheer beauty, All-generous in love, loyal always and ever.’

I talk with Him, as we begin to walk forwards, and we share dreams of redemption and adventure. We share strategies to help others fallen on the road or sinking in the ditches. Hope blossoms and fuels each forward step. I remind myself – difficult is worth doing. ‘There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere.’ We must keep onwards.

I will not allow myself to reminisce, to permit the hollow suggestion that slavery was preferable, to consider that my life was better lived in unidentifiable chains. God has led me on this path and therefore how can I complain? Looking back is futile, especially when I carry the promise that the future is brighter, especially when the glimpses I catch are of a life more full and free than I could have imagined. It is for these realities that I push forwards, that I keep walking, that I reaffirm my trust in Him afresh.