White Knuckle Prayers December 5, 2007

There are moments in my life, when my praying loses all semblance of technique and style, and instead becomes more of a desperate, incoherent rant.

 In his book ‘God on Mute’, Pete Greig comments on this form of prayer, “Well meaning people tell us deep things about prayer…We nod and say, ‘Aha, that’s really helpful,’ but our prayer lives continue to be a staccato succession of yells and groans like a man falling down stairs.”

The more I think about it, the more I think that this type of prayer is ok, or, more than that, is absolutely necessary. To run out of words, to move beyond having to formulate neat sentences, to get to a place of utter honesty with God, surely that can only be a good thing?

Sometimes the things we are praying about are so ‘life and death’ that the complexity of the situation takes up our whole attention. All we can do is whisper, “Oh God”, repeatedly under our breath.

Sometimes things seem so hopeless that all we can manage is, “Why God.” After all, Jesus set the precedent for this on the cross, calling out “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me.”

Sometimes life is such a rollercoaster, that it seems all we can do is hold on, white knuckles and all. We don’t have the energy to stop and pray, and instead our prayers take the form of frantic thoughts heavenwards – “God must be in this somewhere.” I believe this, though not ideal as a long term solution, is enough to get us through those times when it really does feel like we are clinging on for dear life, when exhaustion crowds in and it feels like we are going through the motions of life longing for a break.

I think we pray more often than we realise. I have countless conversations with people who worry that they are not praying enough, and I often want to encourage them to tot up all those little ‘God-moments’, when they find themselves reaching out to him, when they find their minds turning to the great thing he did last week, when they look at a photo framed on their desk and their minds stray to think about that person… all these things are forms of prayer.

We used to sing a song in Singing Company (The Salvation Army’s junior choir thing), and its a marvel, because it seems everyone in my generation knows this song and can sing it at random!!

The words simply said:

“Hello God, this is your friend again, I’m sorry I can’t stay. The bed’s so soft, and it’s been quite a day, and so I’ll simply say, I love you Lord.”

 I’m not advocating laziness. I know there are times when God stirs me to pray about something and I ignore him, and times when I find myself sitting in a prayer meeting, totally disengaged. I know that in things like this, I need to discipline myself and commit to a lifestyle of prayer. I’m just becoming conscious that sometimes all I can say are prayers like the above, and that, in those ‘white knuckle’ moments, I don’t think God minds.

Balancing Vision December 4, 2007

Around this time of year, I begin frantically scribbling on scraps of paper, evaluating the year that has passed, and planning for the year ahead. I love it, because I begin to formulate madcap schemes for the months ahead, and I always have a big plan or two afoot.

This year has been one of learning; learning lots of things in lots of areas. It has also been one of settling in and stabilising, finding my feet in my job and working out how I fit into the picture in my church team more definitely.

At some point in the next few weeks I’ll need to go crawling under my bed to find the notebook where, on New Years day 2007, I sat in Canterbury Starbucks and dreamed for the year ahead. It will be intriguing to see how those dreams have worked out in reality!

Recently, we have been meeting as a small group to do some leadership training. We have watched training DVDs and then discussed afterwards. Last night we thought about different stages of vision, how we go through a process that takes us from the initial ‘big idea’ to seeing it work out in reality.

It made me think that so often I am running with so many half-formed ideas and things I would like to see happen, often many of them fall by the wayside. Often I don’t have the time to devote energy, inspiration and passion to  carry things through.

In some of the work-related meetings I’ve been having recently, we’ve been talking through identifying objectives, measurable goals and then expanding these into ‘how’ we will achieve them. This is not a natural thing for me, and has been challenging to think in a linear way about things.

I do wonder if, in planning for next year (which is already looking more jam packed than this year, if that is possible!!), it would be a good idea to do something similar, to be a bit more concrete about what I want to acheive, what are the priorities that God is calling me to focus on, to look at how I can balance things so that I do a certain number of things well rather than beginning loads of things and running around like mad trying to complete them?

At the same time, I am aware of the need to be elastic, to be flexible with my time and generous with what I have. How do I work out a balance that protects me from over-committing, but allows me the space to do new things?!?

I’m glad new year is not for another three and a half weeks, that should give me some more musing time!!

  

Small Things December 3, 2007

Yesterday I spent a lot of time looking at Psalm 34, it’s one of my faves anyway, but I was really struck by the attitude it implores us to adopt:

 I will praise the Lord at all times.
      I will constantly speak his praises.
 I will boast only in the Lord;
      let all who are helpless take heart.
 Come, let us tell of the Lord’s greatness;
      let us exalt his name together.

The verses reminded me that whatever is happening around me, I can always find things to thank and praise God for, to ‘exalt him’ in.

This was proved neatly this morning on the way to work. Firstly, I jumped off the train at Waterloo, and was immediately greeted with the dulcet tones of a Salvation Army band playing Christmas carols. Now, to the rest of the commuting population, this was probably quite random at 7.30am… but for me it was lovely. It was like a little bit of familiarity, a little bit of what is precious to me had been transported and had transplanted itself in the middle of what is usually quite a dull and drear place for me. It also meant I had a couple of conversations with friends I don’t see very often, so the whole experience cheered me immensely.

Next, I had to embark on the walk to work (as the Bakerloo line had died), usually this extra half hour to my journey would have stressed me mildly, but it was sunny, and I was early anyway, so I set off. As I exited the station I saw a man standing there juggling fire!! I did a bit of a double take, as this was another unusual sight in the world of commuting. I stood and watched for a while, marvelling at his skill, and feeling a bit like God was spoiling me, by letting me catch a glimpse of these happy expressions of his creativity.

The final lovely ’small thing’, happened as I walked between the station and the office. Someone had affixed a swing to a big old tree that hung over the path where I walked. This was again random as it is right next to a busy, slow moving road which was chockablock with impatient traffic. I marvelled that someone would think to put a swing there, and how it spoke to me of how God makes beauty appear in the most mundane environments. As I watched, a Dad who was taking his two small children to school, gently lifted his son onto the swing, and began to push him on it. I was touched by the love on the Dad’s face and the delight expressed by his little son. Another reminder of the lavish love of my Father God, and the delight I can find in Him.

Sunday Happenings December 3, 2007

Yesterday morning I had a very strange experience. It was ‘good strange’, but all the same very bizarre!

As I mentioned previously we have been doing a bit of ‘church-hopping’ on Sunday mornings while our corps hall is being rebuilt. Yesterday my church leader went to speak at a church in Tooting, so a couple of us tagged along.

It was an awesome service, we sang for an hour, it was rocking and the atmosphere was electric!

Then came the weird bit. We were asked to come up to the front of the meeting so people could bless us and encourage us for the work we are doing for the community in Tooting (There were three of us from the SA, and then one police officer). We stood there for ages while they prayed, prophesied, kissed us, and were genuinely lovely.

 I was bemused as I had only tagged along for the ride, I wasnt expecting any of the above, and I felt a bit of a fraud, because I don’t really do a lot for the community in Tooting!!

It so blessed me though, and reminded me that God knows what we need, and although it felt a bit strange, it was very lovely to have all these people being so positive and affirming. It challenged me to try and be as encouraging as I can to others, who may be in a similar place to me yesterday morning – really in need of that touch and reminder of God’s love.

In the afternoon we gathered as a boiler room for our regular meeting, there were a few people away, which was a shame as it was a really powerful and impacting service. One of the best bits was that Dot, the oldest member of our congregation, who is, at best, a little wobby, became an unwitting evangelist! She was waiting outside in the cold for us to come and open up (we were still trying to extricate ourselves from the Tooting Encouragers!) A lady saw and stopped and invited Dot to sit in her car. When we turned up 20 mins later, Dot had invited the lady into church, and she stayed for the whole service – how cool is that!!

The God who Knows December 1, 2007

One of the things that I find most comforting about God, is that when life is toughest, when it seems we are surrounded by utter madness, He already understands it.

So often its a nightmare trying to explain what’s going on to other people. We can’t find the words, or we have to keep things confidential, or it’s too ‘out there’ to even begin to share.

I remember walking one day into the bathrooms at the church I grew up in, when I was probably twelve or thirteen, clearly thinking to myself, “I wish I had a friend who was with me all the time, I wish I could chat to someone who understands this stuff.” (I remember the most random of details!) I also remember the time when I began to understand that I did have someone like this, that through prayer I could connect with God, and that he could be my constant friend and guide.

These days, I cannot articulate how grateful I am for his presence. And that, as I sit down to pray, I don’t have to start with a long description of events, a list of resulting feelings and emotions. I don’t have to check that what I’ve said makes sense, or worry that I’ve said it wrong and given him the wrong impression.

I often have moments where I wish I could press a cosmic pause button on my life and step out of everything for a while, so I could catch my breath, plan for things rather than having to react in response, and just find space where things are calm.

Whether its the busyness of travelling, the ‘out-of my comfort-zone’ness of speaking in new places, or the stress of some of the situations that arise here in Wandsworth, I recognise that I have to keep coming back to God, to keep keep sitting down (or sometimes collapsing) in his presence. If I try to do everything I do, but miss this out… things go pearshaped quite quickly. Its a discipline to have to force myself to stop, to rest in him, to lay bear everything I’m carrying before him, but I am so so aware that it is vital.